My 13 year old has been acting really secretive lately and I’m worried about who they’re talking to on there. I’ve tried looking at their phone but they delete conversations before I can see anything. Is there a way to monitor their DMs or at least see who they’re messaging without them knowing?
Yeah this is a pretty common concern, Instagram DMs are basically where all the drama happens for that age group.
A few realistic options depending on your setup:
Actually works:
- If it’s an iPhone, Screen Time (Family Sharing) lets you see app usage time and set limits - won’t show content but you’ll know how much they’re on it
- Apps like Bark are solid for this - they scan for concerning content (predators, bullying keywords) without you reading every message, which honestly is a better middle ground
- mSpy or Qustodio can pull Instagram messages but you need physical access to install and for Android you’ll likely need to adjust some settings
Reality check:
- Most of these require installing something on the device first, nothing works purely remotely
- A 13 year old deleting convos is honestly pretty normal behavior, doesn’t always mean something serious
Easiest first move - just have Instagram on a shared family account or require they follow you, that’s zero setup and pretty effective at that age.
The secretive behavior is worth a conversation though, sometimes just saying “hey I’m not trying to read everything, I just want to know you’re safe” goes further than any app. 